I was a Cow Once

Shamrock and I were walking down the road when one of those loud, souped-up cars came roaring past us like the driver was on the Indy 500 track. As he zipped by, I saw him turn his head and stare at Shamrock.

A second later, brakes squealed.

The car backed up to us.

The driver rolled down his window and looked at us through dark sunglasses. Then he asked a question I will never forget for the rest of my life:

“Is that a cow?
Are you walking a cow?”

I looked at him and said,
“If this is a cow, would you like to show me how to milk it?”

At that point, Shamrock must have realized the conversation was about him.

He turned and faced the driver head-on.
Sneezed.
Shook his whole body.
And stood there with his mouth open, white teeth glimmering in the sunlight.

The driver stared and said,
“That’s not a cow… but WTF is it?”

Shamrock answered with one low, deliberate:

“WOOF.”

The driver shouted back,
“That’s a f-ing dog!”

And then he disappeared in a cloud of smoke as he punched the gas pedal and fled the scene.

Because sometimes, even legends get mistaken for livestock.

Shamrock's turn:

We were walking our road,
my human and I,
doing Important Patrol Things
like sniffing mailboxes
and judging squirrels.

Then a loud metal beast
screamed past us,
angry and shiny
and much too fast.

I felt eyes on me.

The beast stopped.
It came backward.
This was suspicious.

A small man leaned out of it
wearing dark eye-fur
and asked my human:

“Is that a cow?
Are you walking a cow?”

A cow.

I am
not
a cow.

My human said something clever about milking me.
I do not know what that means
but it sounded like a challenge.

So I turned.

I faced the beast-man directly.

I sneezed
(because pollen is rude).

I shook my whole body
so my fur would remember who I am.

I opened my mouth
and showed him my teeth,
which are large
and white
and not for grass.

He said,
“That’s not a cow… but what is it?”

I answered in the old language:

WOOF.

He suddenly understood everything.

“That’s a f-ing dog!”

Yes.
Correct.

I am a dog.

A very large one.
With opinions.

The metal beast fled in a cloud of fear and smoke.

My human laughed.

The road was safe again.