Clover’s Supersecret Diary
📖 CLOVER'S SUPER-SECRET DIARY
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Entry Title: The Tree Must Be Freed
Operation: Lickmas
Date: Confusedmas
Mood: Determined. Moist.
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Dear Diary,
Okay. Okay okay okay.
Big discovery: Smudges has a TREE on her FACE.
Not like, "oops mud." Not like, "someone sat on a sticker." Like... a real tree. Painted by destiny. Glowing with mystery. Possibly magic.
I stared at it for 45 minutes.
(It was actually 11 seconds. But it felt like forever.)
And then I KNEW.
The tree is trapped. On her nose. And I must set it free.
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OPERATION: LICKMAS
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Step 1: Sneak up slowly. Like a gentle shadow.
Result: Smudges saw me from across the room and narrowed her eyes.
She knows. She always knows.
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Step 2: Approach with love and purpose.
Wag. Blink. Gentle boop.
Result: Swatted. Twice.
But the tail flick was not entirely hostile.
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Step 3: THE LICK.
I lunged with heart and tongue extended. Just one swipe! Just enough to release the tree!
Result: I missed.
She smacked my eyebrow. I tried again. She clung to my face like a furious burrito.
There was hissing. There was yelling. Dad shouted:
“CLOVER, NO.”
The chickens cheered from the hallway.
Copper pretended to be asleep. Loudly.
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When the dust settled, I had a scratched pride. Smudges had fluff in her teeth.
The tree?
Still stuck. Still majestic. Still... forbidden.
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CONCLUSION:
The tree cannot be freed. It has chosen her. She is its bearer. Its vessel. Its grumpy tabby queen.
I will respect this.
(But I might still try again. Just once. Maybe two times. For science.)
Lickfully yours,
Clover
P.S. Smudges is now watching me from atop the bookshelf. She hasn't blinked in 10 minutes.
I think she's charging up a spell.
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⚖️ FELINE COUNCIL OF DIGNITY & FLOOR-NAPPERS
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Official Notice of Cease & Desist
To: Clover “Paw-Lunges-With-Tongue” McZoomer
From: Smudges, Tabby of the Tree-Nose, Chaircat of the Household Aesthetic Committee
CC: The Bookshelf, Dad, Several Displeased Chickens
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RE: Unsolicited Lickings / Tree Removal Attempts / Violations of Personal Space Statute #12.5a
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Dear Clover,
This letter serves as an official and final Cease and Desist concerning your repeated and distressingly moist attempts to lick the Christmas Tree Mark from my person.
Let me be clear:
• The mark is not chocolate.
• It is not a sticker.
• It is not trapped.
• It is not, under any circumstance, yours.
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While we appreciate your enthusiasm for festive spirit and misguided acts of heroism, your behavior constitutes:
• Unauthorized tree licking
• Repeated tail-pouncing without provocation
• Wagging with intent to disrupt naps
• And one (1) incident involving the attempted use of a couch cushion as a launchpad
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DEMANDS:
You are to remain at least three paw-lengths away from my face at all times unless summoned by me or offered in tribute.
(Treats accepted.)
You shall refrain from speaking of “freeing the tree” or assembling any “secret rescue team” with the chickens.
You will return the slipper you stole from Dad.
Though I admit it was a bold and successful heist.
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Failure to comply will result in:
• Strategic fur shed into your water bowl
• Tail flicks delivered during your most vulnerable zooms
• The Denial of Nose Boops until further notice
• Public embarrassment via high-pitched hissing in front of guests
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We cats have tolerated many things: the loss of counters, the invasion of poultry, the chaos of Puppy Arrival Day™.
But the tree?
THE TREE STAYS.
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Sincerely and seriously,
Smudges
Christmas Tree Nose, Esquire
Licensed Nap Attorney
House Cat Since Before You Were Born
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🐺 COUNTERCLAIM OF INNOCENCE, WIGGLINESS & HOLIDAY SPIRIT
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Filed by: Clover, Puppy-at-Large
Age: Baby
Location: Somewhere under the table, currently chewing a sock
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RE: Allegations of Tree-Licking & Face-Violations
To: The Very Serious Cat With the Tree on Her Nose
From: Clover “The Gentle-ish,” Defender of Licks, Hopper of All Furniture
CC: Dad, Copper (he doesn't read these), The Chickens (honorary co-signers), That One Spider in the Corner
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First of all: I do not deny that I attempted a face lick. Multiple times. With spirit. And velocity.
BUT!
This was not aggression. This was not criminal. This was an act of kindness.
An attempt to liberate the Christmas Tree from your face and return it to its rightful home: the actual tree. In the corner. That I'm not allowed to eat.
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EXHIBIT A: MY TAIL
It wags. Constantly.
Does this look like the tail of a villain?
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EXHIBIT B: THE CHICKEN TESTIMONY
They support me. Especially Petunia.
She beeped once in my favor.
That counts.
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PROPOSED RESOLUTION:
I am allowed one supervised lick of the tree-nose per solstice. Just one! For joy.
You let me nap within three feet of you without the “judgy stare” thing.
I get my own festive nose mark. A sticker maybe? Or sauce?
We can workshop this.
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ADDITIONAL CLAUSE:
In exchange for forgiveness, I offer:
• Half a treat (already pre-licked)
• The frog toy with only one leg missing
• And my solemn vow not to chew your whiskers while you're sleeping (again)
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FINAL STATEMENT:
I am just a baby. The world is new. Your face is fascinating.
Let there be peace. Let there be naps. Let there be licks.
(Reasonable ones.)
With respectful snorts,
Clover
First of Her Name, Bouncer of Rugs, Licker of Legends, Barkbox Gold Member
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🐱 EMERGENCY MEETING OF THE FELINE COUNCIL
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Location: Top of the stairs
Time: Immediately following The Outrageous Counterclaim
Attendance: Seven cats
Uninvited attendance: Clover, listening from behind a chair with approximately 40% of her body visible
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Smudges called the meeting to order with one sharp flick of her tail.
“Fellow cats. We have a situation.”
Seven pairs of eyes narrowed.
“The puppy has filed a counterclaim.”
There was stunned silence.
Then Panda spoke.
“Can she do that?”
“No.”
“Did she?”
“Yes.”
Another silence.
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Smudges placed Clover's crumpled, partially chewed legal document in the center of the floor.
“She is demanding one ceremonial lick of my nose per solstice.”
The Council erupted.
“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
“BARBARIC.”
“WHAT IS A SOLSTICE?”
Nobody knew.
That was beside the point.
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Smudges continued.
“She has also requested that I discontinue what she calls my ‘judgy stare.’”
Every cat in the room looked personally offended.
“The stare is a fundamental feline right,” declared Peanut.
“Protected since ancient Egypt,” added Ginger.
Nobody fact-checked this.
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Panda examined Exhibit A.
“Her argument concerning the wagging tail is troubling.”
Smudges stared at him.
“It wags,” Panda explained. “Quite a lot.”
“That proves nothing.”
“It is rather cheerful.”
“PANDA.”
“Right. Menace. Obviously.”
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At that exact moment, Clover's enormous head appeared around the chair.
“Hi.”
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The head disappeared.
The Council returned to deliberations.
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After seventeen minutes, three grooming breaks, one unexplained sprint down the hallway, and a dispute over who was sitting in whose spot, they reached their decision:
NO LICKING THE CHRISTMAS TREE NOSE.
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Furthermore, the Council rejected Clover's proposed three-foot nap zone.
Five feet. Minimum.
Unless Clover was asleep.
Then three feet might be acceptable. Possibly two. Depending on temperature.
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The Council was preparing its final ruling when a peculiar sound came from the hallway.
Squeak.
Everyone turned.
Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
Emmy, one of the household's disabled chickens, rolled into the room in her little wheelchair.
The cats stared.
Clover peeked around the chair again.
Emmy stopped directly between the opposing parties.
And thus began...
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🐔 THE HONORABLE JUDGE EMMY PRESIDING
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Emmy adjusted herself in her wheelchair. She looked at Smudges. She looked at Clover. She looked at the partially eaten counterclaim.
Then she pecked it.
Once.
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Dad, who had somehow become court stenographer without agreeing to any of this, announced:
“Court is now in session.”
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Smudges presented her case first. She described the licking, the attempted licking, the staring prior to licking, the suspicious tongue movements, and Clover's deeply disturbing belief that the Christmas tree required liberation.
Emmy listened.
Cluck.
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Then Clover presented her defense.
“I thought I was helping.”
Cluck.
“And her nose is really interesting.”
Cluck.
“And I love her.”
Smudges' ears twitched.
“I also offered her half a treat.”
Smudges interrupted.
“PRE-LICKED.”
“It was still half.”
CLUCK.
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Silence fell over the courtroom.
Judge Emmy considered the evidence. She consulted briefly with Rexy, Peanut, and Dale.
There was considerable clucking.
One diaper required adjustment.
Finally, Emmy wheeled forward.
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Dad cleared his throat and translated the ruling:
“On the matter of Clover versus The Christmas Tree Nose, this court finds Clover guilty of Excessive Festive Enthusiasm in the First Degree.”
Clover gasped.
Smudges looked smug.
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“However, the court finds insufficient evidence of malicious intent. The defendant appears to be... an idiot.”
Copper opened one eye from across the room.
“Finally. Some sense.”
Clover looked wounded.
“I am a puppy.”
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The Christmas tree marking is hereby declared the permanent property of Smudges and is not trapped, enchanted, removable, edible, or in need of rescue.
Clover raised a paw.
“What if—”
CLUCK.
Clover lowered the paw.
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Clover is prohibited from licking said tree without express written permission from Smudges.
Smudges nodded approvingly.
In return, Smudges shall reduce unnecessary swatting by approximately twenty percent.
Smudges shot to her feet.
“WHAT?”
CLUCK.
She sat down.
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Finally, Clover shall surrender one unlicked treat to Smudges as restitution.
Clover froze. Her eyes widened.
“An... unlicked one?”
CLUCK.
“That seems excessive.”
CLUCK.
“Can I just lick it a little?”
CLUCK.
Clover sighed.
“Fine.”
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Justice had been served.
The Feline Council dispersed. The chickens returned to their regularly scheduled diapered activities. Copper went back to sleep.
And Smudges settled regally upon the back of the couch, her Christmas tree nose intact and legally protected.
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Clover sat below her and stared at the tree.
Smudges stared back.
Clover leaned forward.
Smudges raised one paw.
Clover leaned back.
“…I was just looking.”
And somewhere across the room, Copper sighed.
“She's gonna lick it.” 😂
For anyone who doesn't know Smudges, she has a very distinctive marking covering her nose that looks remarkably like a Christmas tree.
Apparently, puppy Clover had some thoughts about that.
And apparently... things escalated. 🎄🐺🐱🐔⚖️
